Sunday, 11 January 2015

A Painter's Problem....

Do you ever feel like you've painted yourself into a corner?  Or you've left a small path but that only leads to another corner?  Catch my drift? Decisions are what shape our lives.  I like to think that I think things through and make the best choice possible most of the time, but let's be frank, half the time we are just shooting in the dark hoping to hit our target but with no clue of a direction. I have always been an indecisive person, but when it came to marriage I was totally sure 100% that he was who I wanted.

I've been struggling lately. It is hard to have people know such a vulnerable and personal truth about yourself. Yes, my husband had an affair, but I wish no one knew.  Then starting to show a pregnant belly a few months later after he left. .. It was a dream come true. ... not.  There were days I literally would try to convince myself this was all a silly dream and I was going crazy. I would act so strong and say what was expected of me, when all I wanted to do was scream until I had no voice and cry until I could go to bed again. Why? Why me? Why him?  Had I done something wrong? Were we an exception and never meant to have happiness? Will I be alone forever? I can't move on... I don't want to move on. The joke is often made that women have a lot running through their heads, well imagine these thoughts 24/7 flying around in my head and myself actually buying into it. Who would I be without those thoughts?

Change happens slowly. Sometimes we move backwards many times before we march forwards. My life has been a well trodden path of backwards and small steps forwards. I have always wanted a "normal" life. With a husband who loves me more than I can imagine and babies...lots of babies! That white picket fence portrait of a life was my dream. I wasn't a perfect wife, no one is, and there certainly is no perfect husband. As life unwinds and we make mistakes, we learn and grow.

I have often looked at my difficulties as a failure. I have anxiety disorders therefore I have that true? No. Even typing that out and reading it over in my head makes me....speechless. The only way my life can involve the word "fail", is by how I deal with the situations my disorder puts me in. Even then, I must learn to be kinder to myself and try, try again. Then taking that further, when someone else is dealing with a rough issue, we ourselves must be more merciful.

As recommended by my therapist, I took a personality trait "quiz". It involved MANY questions which eventually led to a list of 20 or so attributes; number 1 being my strongest trait and number 20 being the weakest. Anyone want to guess what number 1 was? Kindness.....Hmm that doesn't make sense. I have been so unkind to myself for 24 years, yet kindness was my number 1 attribute. I tried to make sense of this, but came to conclusion it must be a mistake. Yet as I sat in the office discussing this with my therapist, it all came into view. This is a double edged sword. I have essentially been kind to a fault with others. Taking what others thought, trying to please everyone, never questioning because I thought questioning or voicing my opinion was unkind. I did the same to myself, I believed my thoughts, those nasty thoughts telling me I wasn't enough and I couldn't handle anything on my own. Because of my mentality to not question as to offend, I simply did not question what was in my own head. I became increasingly hostile towards myself and my mistakes, that no warmth or love was present. Can anyone else relate?

I was buying into whatever thoughts came my way. "I'm not skinny enough", "I'm so dumb", "I'm awkward", "No one enjoys my company", "I'm not good at my job", "I"m the reason he left"..... We all get these sometimes, but it is up to us whether we believe them or question them. I challenge everyone out there to question your thoughts, it may sound completely wild, but try it. Just today I said to myself I was a lazy person....well is that true?? No. I have accomplished so much, that taking a day when I felt sick was not lazy....because I would not think that of someone else. I was just being too hard on myself.

So am I a failure? Am I the reason he left? Am I dumb, naive, or awkward? I'm going to stop, and question these thoughts because if I buy into them I am only sending myself down that path of anxiety towards a pit of depression. I'll stick to the same cycle my brain has been on for years. The truth is I'm the farthest thing from a failure, he left because he wanted to leave (it was a choice for him), and ya sometimes I am naive and awkward...but who cares!? It is time to stop painting ourselves into corners and begin opening up opportunities for us to succeed. The only person who will stop me from being happy is myself. We all have a decision to make on how we let our attitude affect our lives. If I choose to continually see the negative in my life, eventually I will have lost the ability to see the positive.

So as the new year begins, I have challenged myself to create a more positive and realistic view of my life. This is my decision, this is my life, only I can change how it pans out. I can dig my own holes and create problems for myself, but just because someone digs a hole in front of me doesn't mean I have to fall into it. Get what I'm saying? Many of our trials will come from another person's actions. Someone else will have made a decision and because of that action it will cause great pain and trials for us. Well, instead we can walk around the hole and avoid the darkness Satan so wants us to be thrown into. There is a bigger picture, and sometimes I forget that. I forget my Savior and Heavenly Father have a plan for me, and these hard times I often feel are only preparing me for what is to come.

Tuesday, 16 September 2014

Parenting 101: 10 Simple Steps to Clean the Potty Training Fail

CAUTION: Content contains graphic bodily function terms and descriptions. Do not read if you are queasy or a man.

Potty training is the devil of motherhood. Honestly, I am thrilled that I have two beautiful and wild boys, but sometimes I feel like going through labour again instead of cleaning up my son's poop filled pants! You start to question how something so vile can come out of your sweet angel's bottom. That's why I have compiled an easy 10 step list on how to successfully make it through the potty-training process.

Step 1: Sniff it out!

A mother can smell a poopy diaper from a mile away! Well not really, but I certainly can sniff out that stinky child from a few rooms down. It's kind of one of those super powers that you wish you didn't have, but alas pregnancy and motherhood has awarded you this wonderful, wonderful gift of smell.

So as you are getting ready for the day and suddenly realise something is off.... you cautiously take a few deep breaths and realise you haven't heard your son make a sound in about five minutes. CRAP! And so it begins. You run to the other room and find him with the confused sour look on his face and crouched like he is in's the poop look!

Step 2: Carefully guide that child to the bathroom without slipping on the fecal trail.

I think that sums it up. Let's just say you are changing your outfit and contemplating throwing your soiled clothes out.....seriously contemplating that option. Deep down you know you will just wash them 5 times and hopefully the stink and germs will be gone.

Step 3: Strip the child down to their birthday suit and throw them..i mean, gently place the shower.

You can smell the foul odour, but you really don't know the beast you are facing until you open that can of worms by peeling off the soaked clothes. Let's just say, once you've seen it, you can't un-see it!  Make sure all cuss words are muttered under the breath as to not upset or disturb your poop covered child. Brown ooze plops down and you know what you'll spend the day doing..yes scrubbing some bleach on this floor till my sanity returns.

Step 4: Rinse out the clothes (and gag a little bit).

As your child soaks in the warm shower, you spend that time rinsing the underwear out in the toilet. Yes, that's right, the toilet. You think rinsing it out in the sink would be so utterly disgusting. But as you swish around in the toilet bowl you realise you do not want to stick a half-covered-in-poop pair of underwear in your washer...who knows, the filth might not get rinsed out! That puts all your other clothes at risk! So, as much as you wanted to avoid it, you toss the ginch in the sink and have at her. Scrubbing and rubbing the poop out really brings out the glamour of your freshly painted nails. Yes, that's right, we actually touch the fecal matter and scoop it into the toilet....and in hindsight...maybe I should have grabbed a pair of rubber gloves from under the sink.....

Step 5: Toss the dirty clothes in the washer and put in mounds of laundry detergent.

As you carry the soaking pile of clothes to the laundry room, you contemplate hiring a nanny just for this specific task. Paying someone $20 an hour may be the solution to all this mayhem, but alas, your hunger for the $100 shoes overtakes your disgust of poo and besides, you probably couldn't convince anyone to do this for just $20 an hour. You throw the dirties into the washer and fill the washer to the brim with laundry detergent. Hopefully that scene from "Freaky Friday" won't repeat itself and soap bubbles won't fill your laundry room and nearly your house. Although soap bubbles looks like a breeze compared to cleaning up crap.

Step 6: Rinse that brat, cough cough......BEAUTIFUL child from head to toe.

You realise your parents' wish came true. They said "I hope one day you get a child that is just as bad as you! Then you'll know what hell you put me through!!!"'s happened. Maybe they preformed some crazy voodoo and made the doo-doo appear out of nowhere! Okay, now you realise the grungy fumes are messing with your head. Time to get this over with! Your child's bottom and body reek, so you soap him down until he is pruney. By the end you don't know if you are covered in fecal polluted water...or soap...but then again soap isn't brown. Screw it, you're already covered in poop, not much more could hurt.

Step 7: Scrub-a-dub-dub-three-men-in-a-tub:)

The brown mess covering your bathroom is pestering you beyond belief. You just cleaned it the day before!! And don't forget that smear of poop trailing from the "pooping corner" to the bathroom. Now the many people that come to visit you in the day will see what a messy disgusting slob you are...hah ya right. It's the all comes down to the smell! "Pregnancy nose" doesn't go away, at least not for me. So you scrub....and scrub.....and cry that you actually touched poo......if anyone found out about this they would never look at you the same.

Step 8: Realise you are now the only gross one in the house, so you scrub yourself now!

Place your child in front of a cheerful cartoon. Strip yourself and wash until you squeak! There is nothing like a hot shower in a freshly cleaned bathroom. Or am I crazy?

Step 9: Give yourself hope and a motivational speech.

Oh please, the only thing that keeps us sane is the constant feeling that maybe tomorrow he will magically start using the potty and your days of poop stained clothes are over!!!! Plus their adorable faces make us feel warm and fuzzy inside too. You sit and stare at your little miracle and long has it been since they last went pee!?!?!?!?!

Step 10: Try to make it through the next 24 hours approximately, then repeat steps 1-9.

It will be approximately 24 hours, depending on your child's bowel cycle. Make sure you are attentive and watch for that squirmy face and corner to hide. If you are careful, you might just catch him before he finishes, but most likely you will find him once again with that pesky superpower of smell. Repeat steps 1-9, and remember to keep your head about you.

*This post is brought to you by Pull-ups, the diapers that trick us all into thinking they actually can contain the mess. (So give up that idea in between steps 10 and 1).*

Wednesday, 20 August 2014

Ice Bucket Challenge: Sufficient vs. Insufficient

Okay, here's the deal! Many people (except for those without eyes) have seen the ice bucket challenges for ALS. Now I don't want to be a downer, but frankly I was kind of a bit pessimistic about it. As I understand you are challenged and you have 24 hrs to dump a bucket of ice water on your head, or you are forfeited to donate to the charity. Alright! So as I have noticed, LOTS of videos have been shared around the world with many actors, celebrities, politicians, and many friends that we know have taken on the challenge and drenched themselves with ice water. BUT does this really help the progress of finding a cure for ALS. My answer a few days ago was a stern "NO".. but as I have watched and tried to educate myself more on the disease, I had a thought pop into my head. I remembered when the Broadway show "The Book of Mormon" was a popular topic of conversation. From what I gather, it is not exactly accurate of what us Mormons are all about. Honestly I don't know much about it; but I remember someone saying that any talk of The Book of Mormon and our church is good. Now the basis for this comment came from the idea that this plants a seed. I am a little worrisome of people hearing the wrong views of what being a Mormon (rather LDS) is all about, or more importantly what the doctrine is. But when someone hears about a topic, they might just look into it and find out what it all is about. Hopefully they will find a reliable source.

So what does this have to do with the ice bucket challenge! Well, I heard about it and immediately thought "do I really know what ALS is?" It sparked an interest in me and I decided to look it up and find some information about this disease. I went to (a good reliable resource) and much to my surprise it redirected to a page claiming there was an overwhelming response to the ice bucket challenge, and it mentions some links to visit. Hmmmm maybe I had the wrong idea about this; it turns out it is an absolutely amazing way to bring awareness to ALS and the research that is so important. More people than I realised were getting doused with ice water AND donating! This honestly really surprised me. I mean I had seen how popular it was, but this proved the idea of any talk is good talk. People's ears are perking up about this disease and are finding out what it is all about. This is so awesome!

So, this all seemed good, but I soon found out with more research that not everyone agreed with this idea to spread the work. One article mentioned someone not approving of it because it focused too readily upon this one disease, or rather redirecting money from other charities. WAIT, did I read that right?! WOW. There are certain days, weeks, walks, benefits, and the list goes on that focused on certain awareness for other research of cancer and disease. Seriously, this is gonna quickly run its course and fade out of the limelight. We should be happy about any raised funds to find a cure for any disease. Disease affects everyone, and really that is the bottom line. One day you may be affected by an illness you never thought you'd get! That's life. So in the end, raising awareness helps those around us and maybe ourselves. 

My Auntie Mary died from this disease. ALS ran a corrupt course throughout her body and it was absolutely devastating to our family. I remember my Auntie Mary like it was yesterday. She was like a bright light that brought so much happiness to everyone. I loved spending time with her. Seriously, I remember doing Richard Simmons' workout videos with her! I was quite young and looked up to her so much. My Auntie died shortly after I had my first baby. I could not make it to her funeral because of the travelling. So, this disease reaches out farther than most people realise; that can be said with most diseases. Really I wasn't there to see how ALS destroyed her body, but I could feel the sadness and stress it brought into the family. 

So what does this all mean? Well, get involved! What better things do you have to do? (ya..I know we are all busy). This ice bucket challenge has raised over 500,000 dollars since the beginning of August; that is ten times the amount it normally receives! This ice bucket challenge is definitely sufficient. It is a great movement, and the reason it is great is because this will make a difference. So get with it, because this is good! Go get some ice and donate to a great cause. This is a face of someone who faced this overwhelming disease. These are the people who are fighting for the help and awareness. Let's help them find a cure, let's help them fight ALS. This is my BEAUTIFUL Auntie Mary:)

Monday, 4 August 2014

Stay True

The memory is burned into my brain.

It's been two hours since I moved from this couch. I'm terrified that this is not a dream. My stomach is in my throat and my eyes are red from tears. I literally can not move. My skin is pale and cold, and my thoughts are running wild and fast.  Ten voices all at once barking cruel answers to the questions in my head. Sweaty palms and fast breathing make it all the harder to think clearly. I'm silently going crazy. This is anxiety. It eats you from the inside out. I would rather have been anywhere else than in this position. My life seemed like it came from a set in Hollywood, which made me all the more sick. Just a couple hours earlier I sat sobbing at my kitchen table in front of my cheating husband. I had never felt such emotional pain as I did then, it was excruciating. I could not see how my life could go on. It is a very strange feeling to have someone suddenly so distant emotionally and physically,  when days before they were so close and "fine" (or so I had thought). It literally felt like a hole had been punched out of my chest; just existing was painful. The humiliation was unbearable. I hid myself in my house for days. Clinging to the two anchors I had, my son and my unborn baby.

The social media lit up like wildfire.  My life and privacy had been exposed in an instant. It hurt to even turn on my phone and see that I had messages, asking about every little thing. The one thing i had tried to hide most was now seen by innumerable people, it was a nightmare. Often times I turned my phone off, lay with my son and watch a movie. It was at these tender moments that I was able to make a stronger connection to him and give him some stability he so desperately needed.

One of the main questions was "wasn't there any signs that this might happen?" How was I supposed to answer such a question. Of course I could look back and see signs, but as a loving wife you always want to think they aren't doing something like that. I always stood by his side and would not believe he was with another woman. So much so that even after a month, of him being gone, I wouldn't believe that he would do such a thing. Not until I found that evidence was I finally convinced, and it crushed my heart.

Satan had his claws stuck into him, and I knew at that moment that he had succeeded in breaking our family apart. He had brainwashed this man I loved more than anything, and i was furious. When it comes down to it, Satan knows the best spot to put pressure.  By breaking families apart, he is breaking an eternal union. It brings anger and bitterness, and grudges that sit on our shoulders and break us down. Our spirituality comes to a halt the more that these grudges pile up. I wish that we would have leaned on each other a little more and built trust between eachother. After our silly arguments, instead of walking away even more frustrated, instead we should have came closer together and listened. This dissolution of families has become an epidemic. Marriage is being changed to fit the norms and traditions of man and not God. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions and beliefs, but ultimately it will come down to God's law. Whose side would you rather be on?

For months I struggled financially, physically, and emotionally. I was blessed to have strong supports in my life, but it was difficult because they did not know the turmoil of emotions I was feeling. Imagine trying to run in deep water. You can move those legs and arms but your feet will never connect to the ground. It was as if I was that swimmer. I was feeling the same love I had always felt for this man, but I was unable to connect with him. He had distanced himself and was now gone. Every hope of touching ground was gone, so there I was, treading in the middle of my emotions and trying to sort out how I felt. It made no sense to others. How could I love someone who betrayed me so deeply? The answer is simple, the memories of the person I married were still there and every once in a while I saw glimpses of that man. I hated turning on tv shows or movies, because most involved innuendos or references to affairs and I would be sick to my stomach.

Seriously,  this has become the number one target of Satan, for some. The destruction of marriages and inevitably families is where Lucifer will put stress on, because it can have more far reaching effects than we ever imagined. It may seem impossible for you to think adultery could ever affect you, but each one of us are capable of making those same mistakes and sinning. It is closer than you think and begins with the most minor actions. So let's talk about this! How could this happen to me? An affair does not happen overnight (excuse the pun lol). Well its really not all that complicated.

It begins inside. With doubt. Doubting ourselves, doubting the gospel, or doubting our marriage and choices. Satan plants those tiny seeds that make us question our lives. Once a seed is planted, and nourished or rather paid attention to, it will grow. One thing we all certainly know, is thoughts become deeds. So, how does Satan plant these seeds?

What message does our modern media put out? Sexual deviance and innuendos are common place in our world of tv, movies, books, music, etc. In fact, I have even heard them in children's media. We are groomed from a young age, it seems, that these are normal. If you look back even just 20 years, you can see how corrupt our world has become. It makes me physically ill and angry to see any sort of acceptance of infidelity and immorality.  I had seen a movie where the basis on which they justified their behavior came down to the fact that they were "in love". I scoffed at such an idea. They make such situations glamorous and thrilling. Sex sells, and it is a sad truth. Novels are becoming more graphic and perverted, then made into blockbuster movies. In fact, as I browsed some books in Chapters,  a cover caught my eye. Scanning through the summary I could not believe what I was reading! Incestuous love was the theme! Oh but dont worry, they were in love....gag me! Ok so that was a bit much, but it was on a bestseller list! It also seems women are being portrayed as objects instead of people, and sometimes men too. The message is simply, do whatever feels good.

Am I being a little extreme? Is this just my paranoia from having been through an affair? Absolutely not. Am I veering off topic and ranting like a "prudish" loon? Maybe.

As I said before, the breaking apart of families is simply becoming an epidemic. Some may argue that these books and movies are just stories.  That they aren't real. But I'm here to tell you they are in fact all too real. Once your life has been touched by unfideilty, I can tell you it never is the same. There is a seed that grows every tree. What seeds are you planting today? And what will they become?

A man came and spoke in our ward on pornography. It was excellent. Most of you probably heard it in your own ward. He spoke on the physical effects and business end of porn. It surprised me and certainly opened my eyes to the truth. Now we have internet access in our pocket and with a click of a button we can access any information we want. But let me plead with you for one second. I hope that there may never be a day where you feel you need to hide or be secretive with your technology. When you aren't looking at inappropriate images or engaging in other relationships, there simply isn't anything to hide. Making your phones or other gadgets secretive WILL destroy the trust you share with your spouse. You can not play with fire when it comes to pornography and inappropriate relationships and expect to not get burned. The truth always comes out. I feel so very strongly when it comes to this subject. There should never be any secrecy when it comes to electronics nowadays. NEVER. The internet and temptations out there are far too powerful and scary to mess with.

Let me make this clear. Infidelity does not only include sexual infidelity, it includes any dishonesty within a marriage. The betrayal stings all the same as when the lie is exposed. When we get married, whether in the temple or not, we vow to be true to the other person. This should not be taken lightly.  We are to be one, in a sense, with our spouse. How can we be in a healthy relationship when lies are present? The trust is destroyed,  and it is so very hard to repair.

Now, as I've gone off on a tangent, let's get back to the story. I learned, since that horrible day I found  the truth, that life does go on. It's up to us whether we go on with life. I had no time to wallow in self pity. I very much had to grieve for my loss, because that was exactly what it was. Trials come upon us in many forms. For me,  I did not ask for this. I would never have believed in a million years that I would be divorced at 24 with two little boys. That my husband would succumb to the temptations we all are fighting. But despite this, I had no choice but to be strong. I had to be an anchor for me and my babies. As much as I felt alone, I knew my Savior was well aware of my situation. I have no doubt he was crying beside me when I was crying, and that he felt the immeasurable amount of pain from such a betrayal.  From this knowledge I was better able to bear my burdens. I relied on the atonement. You have to understand that Christ literally knows what your pain and anger and sorrow feels like. He probably feels such sadness that we have to endure such pain, but that is why the atonement is so important.  It is always easier to exercise and work out with a friend. The same goes for our trials; they are easier to bear when someone has been through this before and can cheer you on.

The temptations of this world are only getting worse. I can no longer keep my mouth closed and see the same mistakes keep happening. I posed the question, "how did this happen to me?" Well I think we've found an answer. By small steps leading away from the Savior, and eventually it is completely in one's power to commit a serious sin. Keep yourself and you spouse in check. Communicate! If my experiences can help even just one person, then it makes it all the worth while. We need to stand firm in our faith and especially our standards. We need to be proud of our beliefs and not be intimidated by the adversary. The proclamation to the family, released by the LDS church, certainly is for our day. We can not pick and choose what commandments and teachings we will follow. More than ever we are being bombarded with immorality and new ideas on what a family unit is. I am entitled to an opinion as much as everyone else on this Earth. With this extraordinary privilege I will stand firm and stay true to my morals. Are you going to be the ones treading in the ideas of the world, confused at who is really in control? Or will you stand on solid ground, and feel a certainty in what you know to be true?

Monday, 2 December 2013

A Gentle Awakening

I was sitting in bed one night with a pen and an empty journal laying in front of me. I stared at the pen and paper and tried to consider what I might write. Looking at the book, I knew I needed to begin a fresh chapter in my life and write meaningfully. The problem was, if I change how I'm going to write in my journal, then my life too had to reflect that change. I sat crying and knowing that what I was going to write was going to break my heart all over again. The conflicts and challenges that stepped into my path were going to show their ugly heads all over again and I wasn't sure if I was ready for that. Part of changing one's life is to repent in most cases, forgive, learn from past mistakes, and to move on. Doing this was going to be a huge challenge. Just thinking of visiting those memories, acknowledging them, and moving on was going to take more courage than I thought I had. I've never thought of myself as someone important or strong. Rather, I'd looked and found mistakes in every avenue of my life. I could not see how I would ever find the strength to overcome these obstacles. Crying myself to sleep had become the normal routine; life at that point seemed unbearable and hopeless. For one moment I considered giving up, and I believed that I had nothing useful to write. My thoughts were that this really didn't matter, writing it down had no effect on actually fixing my life and moving on. Then a thought came into to my head, to simply pray.

I opened my mouth and poured out my soul to my Heavenly Father. Hot angry tears rolled down my cheeks as I asked him how I could move on, and how I could heal from this excruciating situation. I was uncontrollably angry and was livid with many people and myself. My life looked bleak to me. I had lost weight and had no desire to even eat. My body and mind were completely breaking down and I was desperate to find relief because of the growing baby in my belly. For once, I was absolutely drained beyond description. I was desperate for an answer; I felt that the only person who could lift me from this deep dark hole was my Heavenly Father, I knew I just needed to reach out to Him. As I sat silently bawling, the thought of Great Grandma Zaugg came into my mind. Although I'd only been in the family for a short while, the impression she made upon me was tremendous. She was always so cheerful and in my eyes was a spiritual giant. I think of the wonderful talks given at her funeral and always have remembered the thought of, "how much more polishing did Grandma Zaugg need?"In all of our eyes she was as close to perfect as you could get, and she was such a wonderful example of how we should be. My memory of that funeral is not too accurate but what I do remember was the thought of us being here and being stones that need polishing. Every trial and difficulty we endure is the Lord trying to polish us until we are perfect like Him. I immediately knew what the Lord wanted me to know. It was simply that, I needed more polishing.

Events, that we cannot control, affect us all the time. Consequences of other people's actions do not only affect themselves; often the ones we are closest to are affected as well. This was my situation. I felt I had been pushed into this problem, and I was literally being forced to deal with issues I never wanted to deal with. I also felt the immense pressure of my actions and mistakes as well. What kind of person was I really? I felt I had lost control of my life. But I learned very quickly that we do have control over how we react in those situations, how we adapt, and how we move forward. From that comes our true self. How we react and deal with situations is who we really are. Am I someone who bravely faces the trouble head on? Or am I the person who runs away, hides, and gives up on such a challenge? All of us must face this one day; we all have those turning points in our lives. Pres. Eyring said in April of 2004, "The test a loving God has set before us is not to see if we can endure difficulty. It is to see if we can endure it well." This was my gentle awakening.

So laying on my bed, thoroughly exhausted physically and emotionally, I made a decision. I made the decision to find the courage deep down and trudge on. To begin a long process of getting the life that I want and that I deserve. I realized that God knew I could pull through; it was my decision on how I would do that emotionally. I had the instantaneous desire to become better. The misery I felt was not what I wanted for myself and for my son to see. Once I felt that desire, it was like a load was lifted off my shoulders, and I could breathe.

It is just our human nature to feel an array of different emotions and from what I've learned in the past few months, that's ok! It's what we do with those emotions that matters. Now is not the time for me to cry all day long in bed and avoid my duties as a mother and provider. I could destroy everything I've built pretty easily if I wanted to by simply giving in to those emotions. Instead, I would rather be happy. That's it! I have chosen to simply be happy. Since that very spiritual experience I had that night, I have grown closer to my Heavenly Father. He has buoyed me up during this tremendously stressful time and constantly reminded me that I simply need a bit more polishing.