Tuesday, 16 September 2014

Parenting 101: 10 Simple Steps to Clean the Potty Training Fail

CAUTION: Content contains graphic bodily function terms and descriptions. Do not read if you are queasy or a man.

Potty training is the devil of motherhood. Honestly, I am thrilled that I have two beautiful and wild boys, but sometimes I feel like going through labour again instead of cleaning up my son's poop filled pants! You start to question how something so vile can come out of your sweet angel's bottom. That's why I have compiled an easy 10 step list on how to successfully make it through the potty-training process.

Step 1: Sniff it out!

A mother can smell a poopy diaper from a mile away! Well not really, but I certainly can sniff out that stinky child from a few rooms down. It's kind of one of those super powers that you wish you didn't have, but alas pregnancy and motherhood has awarded you this wonderful, wonderful gift of smell.

So as you are getting ready for the day and suddenly realise something is off.... you cautiously take a few deep breaths and realise you haven't heard your son make a sound in about five minutes. CRAP! And so it begins. You run to the other room and find him with the confused sour look on his face and crouched like he is in pain.....it's the poop look!

Step 2: Carefully guide that child to the bathroom without slipping on the fecal trail.

I think that sums it up. Let's just say you are changing your outfit and contemplating throwing your soiled clothes out.....seriously contemplating that option. Deep down you know you will just wash them 5 times and hopefully the stink and germs will be gone.

Step 3: Strip the child down to their birthday suit and throw them..i mean, gently place them....in the shower.

You can smell the foul odour, but you really don't know the beast you are facing until you open that can of worms by peeling off the soaked clothes. Let's just say, once you've seen it, you can't un-see it!  Make sure all cuss words are muttered under the breath as to not upset or disturb your poop covered child. Brown ooze plops down and you know what you'll spend the day doing..yes scrubbing some bleach on this floor till my sanity returns.

Step 4: Rinse out the clothes (and gag a little bit).

As your child soaks in the warm shower, you spend that time rinsing the underwear out in the toilet. Yes, that's right, the toilet. You think rinsing it out in the sink would be so utterly disgusting. But as you swish around in the toilet bowl you realise you do not want to stick a half-covered-in-poop pair of underwear in your washer...who knows, the filth might not get rinsed out! That puts all your other clothes at risk! So, as much as you wanted to avoid it, you toss the ginch in the sink and have at her. Scrubbing and rubbing the poop out really brings out the glamour of your freshly painted nails. Yes, that's right, we actually touch the fecal matter and scoop it into the toilet....and in hindsight...maybe I should have grabbed a pair of rubber gloves from under the sink.....

Step 5: Toss the dirty clothes in the washer and put in mounds of laundry detergent.

As you carry the soaking pile of clothes to the laundry room, you contemplate hiring a nanny just for this specific task. Paying someone $20 an hour may be the solution to all this mayhem, but alas, your hunger for the $100 shoes overtakes your disgust of poo and besides, you probably couldn't convince anyone to do this for just $20 an hour. You throw the dirties into the washer and fill the washer to the brim with laundry detergent. Hopefully that scene from "Freaky Friday" won't repeat itself and soap bubbles won't fill your laundry room and nearly your house. Although soap bubbles looks like a breeze compared to cleaning up crap.

Step 6: Rinse that brat, cough cough......BEAUTIFUL child from head to toe.

You realise your parents' wish came true. They said "I hope one day you get a child that is just as bad as you! Then you'll know what hell you put me through!!!" Well....HELLO...it's happened. Maybe they preformed some crazy voodoo and made the doo-doo appear out of nowhere! Okay, now you realise the grungy fumes are messing with your head. Time to get this over with! Your child's bottom and body reek, so you soap him down until he is pruney. By the end you don't know if you are covered in fecal polluted water...or soap...but then again soap isn't brown. Screw it, you're already covered in poop, not much more could hurt.

Step 7: Scrub-a-dub-dub-three-men-in-a-tub:)

The brown mess covering your bathroom is pestering you beyond belief. You just cleaned it the day before!! And don't forget that smear of poop trailing from the "pooping corner" to the bathroom. Now the many people that come to visit you in the day will see what a messy disgusting slob you are...hah ya right. It's the smell...it all comes down to the smell! "Pregnancy nose" doesn't go away, at least not for me. So you scrub....and scrub.....and cry that you actually touched poo......if anyone found out about this they would never look at you the same.

Step 8: Realise you are now the only gross one in the house, so you scrub yourself now!

Place your child in front of a cheerful cartoon. Strip yourself and wash until you squeak! There is nothing like a hot shower in a freshly cleaned bathroom. Or am I crazy?

Step 9: Give yourself hope and a motivational speech.

Oh please, the only thing that keeps us sane is the constant feeling that maybe tomorrow he will magically start using the potty and your days of poop stained clothes are over!!!! Plus their adorable faces make us feel warm and fuzzy inside too. You sit and stare at your little miracle and realise...how long has it been since they last went pee!?!?!?!?!

Step 10: Try to make it through the next 24 hours approximately, then repeat steps 1-9.

It will be approximately 24 hours, depending on your child's bowel cycle. Make sure you are attentive and watch for that squirmy face and corner to hide. If you are careful, you might just catch him before he finishes, but most likely you will find him once again with that pesky superpower of smell. Repeat steps 1-9, and remember to keep your head about you.

*This post is brought to you by Pull-ups, the diapers that trick us all into thinking they actually can contain the mess. (So give up that idea in between steps 10 and 1).*

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