Monday, 2 December 2013

A Gentle Awakening

I was sitting in bed one night with a pen and an empty journal laying in front of me. I stared at the pen and paper and tried to consider what I might write. Looking at the book, I knew I needed to begin a fresh chapter in my life and write meaningfully. The problem was, if I change how I'm going to write in my journal, then my life too had to reflect that change. I sat crying and knowing that what I was going to write was going to break my heart all over again. The conflicts and challenges that stepped into my path were going to show their ugly heads all over again and I wasn't sure if I was ready for that. Part of changing one's life is to repent in most cases, forgive, learn from past mistakes, and to move on. Doing this was going to be a huge challenge. Just thinking of visiting those memories, acknowledging them, and moving on was going to take more courage than I thought I had. I've never thought of myself as someone important or strong. Rather, I'd looked and found mistakes in every avenue of my life. I could not see how I would ever find the strength to overcome these obstacles. Crying myself to sleep had become the normal routine; life at that point seemed unbearable and hopeless. For one moment I considered giving up, and I believed that I had nothing useful to write. My thoughts were that this really didn't matter, writing it down had no effect on actually fixing my life and moving on. Then a thought came into to my head, to simply pray.

I opened my mouth and poured out my soul to my Heavenly Father. Hot angry tears rolled down my cheeks as I asked him how I could move on, and how I could heal from this excruciating situation. I was uncontrollably angry and was livid with many people and myself. My life looked bleak to me. I had lost weight and had no desire to even eat. My body and mind were completely breaking down and I was desperate to find relief because of the growing baby in my belly. For once, I was absolutely drained beyond description. I was desperate for an answer; I felt that the only person who could lift me from this deep dark hole was my Heavenly Father, I knew I just needed to reach out to Him. As I sat silently bawling, the thought of Great Grandma Zaugg came into my mind. Although I'd only been in the family for a short while, the impression she made upon me was tremendous. She was always so cheerful and in my eyes was a spiritual giant. I think of the wonderful talks given at her funeral and always have remembered the thought of, "how much more polishing did Grandma Zaugg need?"In all of our eyes she was as close to perfect as you could get, and she was such a wonderful example of how we should be. My memory of that funeral is not too accurate but what I do remember was the thought of us being here and being stones that need polishing. Every trial and difficulty we endure is the Lord trying to polish us until we are perfect like Him. I immediately knew what the Lord wanted me to know. It was simply that, I needed more polishing.

Events, that we cannot control, affect us all the time. Consequences of other people's actions do not only affect themselves; often the ones we are closest to are affected as well. This was my situation. I felt I had been pushed into this problem, and I was literally being forced to deal with issues I never wanted to deal with. I also felt the immense pressure of my actions and mistakes as well. What kind of person was I really? I felt I had lost control of my life. But I learned very quickly that we do have control over how we react in those situations, how we adapt, and how we move forward. From that comes our true self. How we react and deal with situations is who we really are. Am I someone who bravely faces the trouble head on? Or am I the person who runs away, hides, and gives up on such a challenge? All of us must face this one day; we all have those turning points in our lives. Pres. Eyring said in April of 2004, "The test a loving God has set before us is not to see if we can endure difficulty. It is to see if we can endure it well." This was my gentle awakening.

So laying on my bed, thoroughly exhausted physically and emotionally, I made a decision. I made the decision to find the courage deep down and trudge on. To begin a long process of getting the life that I want and that I deserve. I realized that God knew I could pull through; it was my decision on how I would do that emotionally. I had the instantaneous desire to become better. The misery I felt was not what I wanted for myself and for my son to see. Once I felt that desire, it was like a load was lifted off my shoulders, and I could breathe.

It is just our human nature to feel an array of different emotions and from what I've learned in the past few months, that's ok! It's what we do with those emotions that matters. Now is not the time for me to cry all day long in bed and avoid my duties as a mother and provider. I could destroy everything I've built pretty easily if I wanted to by simply giving in to those emotions. Instead, I would rather be happy. That's it! I have chosen to simply be happy. Since that very spiritual experience I had that night, I have grown closer to my Heavenly Father. He has buoyed me up during this tremendously stressful time and constantly reminded me that I simply need a bit more polishing.


  1. Kera, this is one of the most beautiful heartfelt messages I've ever read. My prayers are with you as you continue your journey of polishing. Know that everyone around you are being polished and support you completely. We are just a call away. Choosing to simply be happy is a great one. Wonderful things come from that one decision.

  2. Sometimes forgiving ourselves and trusting God are the hardest things. He will not give you stones for bread. He loves you! God bless!